America, What a Country

How would you feel if you got a note from your house sitter telling you not to worry about the stuff in your liquor cabinet and your house sitter is Lindsay Lohan?

Even her delinquent friends would snicker and say, "Yeah, right!"

Or imagine in fairy-tale land, writing for the Poultry Gazette, Mr. Phineas J. Phox, has a column decrying the paranoid attitude of the citizens of the hen house toward four-legged, furry-tailed intruders with sharp teeth.

Can anybody say "credibility problem"?

So how is it that Newsweek Magazine can have a Muslim editor chide America about its overreaction to the Islamic threat on U.S. soil?

Oh, we're all down with the fact that Lindsay Lohan is a lush, and we're very clear on the idea that foxes love to gobble up chickens like Kobayashi at an eating competition, but mention that Muslims want to kill us all and take over the country, and we go brain dead.

That and we let life-long Muslims like Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria tell us how to run our country as if we've never heard of 9/11.

From the moment I began reading "Beyond Bush" in the June 11th issue, I was suspicious that a guy named Zakaria thought all of the Republican presidential hopefuls were talking too tough on Islam. I made a mental note to look up Fareed when I got home.

I know, I'm a racist, just like the chickens in the coop are specists, and the homeowner with the killer stash is a worry wort.

But I was also right.

Although he once told The Village Voice that he "was not a religious guy", he was raised in a practicing Islamic home according to Wikipedia, the only source I could find that broached the subject of his religious affiliation.

Oh, foul human that I am! So judgmental, so cruel, so insensitive! Assessing a man solely on his religious background? Egads, call in the thought police!

But wait. What else do I have on which to judge him? If I had something else--a personal relationship--I might think differently. My point is that it is folly to even consider a man with such sympathies a credible source for how we choose to handle a fight for our lives.

That Newsweek Magazine bosses didn't say, "Well, hold on, don't you think Americans will wonder about a Muslim giving advice on Muslims" speaks to Newsweek's pomposity.

That Any American would accept the assessment of someone whose motives bear questioning, shows how scary naive we are.

Mother May I?

Since it took nearly a year for a man to get a hip replacement, the very liberal Surpreme Court of Canada allowed a man to pay for his own health care.

Whoa. Let's stop right there. They ALLOWED him to pay for his own health care?!

How can anybody read those words and not shudder? Think about substituting some other words in place of health care:

*They allowed him to pick which shirt he would wear on Sundays.

*They allowed him to put sliced bananas on his Post Toasties.

*They allowed him to mow his lawn.

Allow me to recommend this blog where you can (as long as the government allows it) read the truth about universal health care.

Scripted Non-scriptedness

In the world of politics, even user-generated content ends up being the same old same old.

Tonight's YouTube/CNN Democratic debate has the alluring novelty of offering up the candidates performing without a net, open to the whims and wisdom of actual people asking actual questions rather than softballs placed on a t-ball stand by a complicit media.

This is not going to be any different than the many townhall events where people stand up and ask questions. That the questions will be submitted on YouTube is just a gimmick. They will still be the questions that CNN wants asked, candidates warned ahead of time.

If I was able to ask questions, these might be among them:

Mr. Barack Hussein Obama, is it true that you were educated in a Muslim school in Indonesia for four years? Why havn't you spoken about that very much? How do you think that aspect of your upbringing will affect your attitude toward rising threats from Islam?

Mrs. Hilary Clinton, how big a priority are you going to make universal health care?
What would you say to the people who want no part in the government telling them how they must handle their health anymore than they want the government telling them where to buy their groceries?

Mr. John Edwards, How can you say that a war against people who seek our annihilation is simply a bumper sticker war? Do you have a Edwards '08 bumper sticker? Is your campaign a bumper sticker or a plan?

Readers, I am sure you can do better than I. What questions would you ask the Democratic candidates if a miracle occurred and actually let some questions get through?

The Government's Fault?

There is an interesting--and long--article in the L.A. Times about people who contracted Aids as infants at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

It turns out that in the early 80's blood wasn't yet screened for the virus and there were hundreds of newborns infected through blood transfusions.

A sad, gut-wrenching situation indeed.

The surpising and amazing thing is that some of those people are looking to get some money out of this--not suing the hospital (you would expect that), but via compensation from the U.S. Government.

A bill giving hemophiliacs $100,000 compensation already has taken effect, but the bill to do the same for infants did not.

Is it just me, or does anybody else think this is just bizarre?

What possible responsibility does the government bear in cases like these? Is it because the disease is Aids, that they are able to push this through? People don't get money from the government when they contract an infection while hospitalized.

And you know that the "government" actually means me and you.

Like a Gold Ring in a Pig's Snout

If you can't do anything right, hire a marketing firm--that's what Pittsburgh Public Schools is doing.

Oops, sorry, make that Pittsburgh Schools because the marketing consultant thought they could improve their image by ditching the word public.

This is just wrong.

First of all, if I were a tax-paying resident of Pennsylvania, I would be outraged that my money was going toward mere window dressing instead of actual academic needs.

Second of all, if students weren't educated in an appropriate manner, maybe they should drop the word school.

One Job the British Won't Do

I think I am pretty good at putting two and two together.

Just watch me:

Eight of the terror suspects in Britain's latest scare are doctors.

+

Britain has had its National Health Services, i.e., government-run health care, for sixty years.

=

Government health care played a role in opening up Britain to terrorists.

Now I knew this was the case last week, but couldn't find any source other than myself to corraborate it. Who would believe me?

Now I have found commentator Mark Steyn and the New York Sun.

It turns out that (egads!) since the inception of nationalized health care, being a doctor is not such an attractive option for the British, so they have to import them.

That's right, in America we can't get Americans to pick our fruits; in Britain, they can't get the British to diagnose flus.

Steyn writes that 40% of Britain's doctors were trained elsewhere. With such an aversion to working in medicine among the locals, the authorities pretty much have to go begging.

Good God, look what the cat drug in! So you know where this is going, right? Two of the London bombers were brought in to solve the doctor shortage and were given fast-track immigration, not even needing a work permit!

That, my friends, is how national health care in Britain has contributed to the country's terror problem. But don't take my word for it, go read the Steyn article yourself!

I'm a Madman!

I dare you to find someone more obsessive about email than I am.

I treat my inbox like a man with a mallet trying to knock down the furry moles in the arcade game, whack-a-mole.

As soon a new email sticks its head up, it is my goal to deal with it: either delete it, file it in a folder, or respond to it.

I am so nuts that I almost feel physically ill if I open Outlook and see a long line of new messages. The worst is when I can't decide what to do with one of them and I opt to keep it right there to taunt me.

It's with those things in mind that I sympathize with people and companies looking to get a handle on email gone wild. Fast Company had an article in the current issue about how various companies are "whacking the moles" that chew into their productivity.

They say that the average corporate email account receives 18 MB of stuff daily, and that number is expected to grow to 28 MB a day by 2011.

Capital One deals with that crushing tsunami by putting employees through an email management workshop, and it estimates that it saves 11 workdays a year. Some of the keys to their training is teaching employees to write more specific subject lines, using bullet points, underlining, and bolding.

Union Bank tames its email moles by using RSS feeds so that all of its 10,000 employees don't get every email. A new system (called KnowNow) will send RSS feeds based on job description and location.

Finally, Rueters uses a hybrid system of email and instant messages to keep the inboxes from overflowing.

Anybody out there have any personal strategies that work for you? Personally, I will just keep my handy mole-smashing mallet of a delete key at the ready for Option Number One.

Mrs. UGN's Brilliant Observation

What percentage of Islam wants to see us annihalated? One percent? Ten Percent? More? Less?


I heard some expert on the radio the other day saying that her conservative estimate is that twenty-five percent of the Muslim world is of the radical kind.

As we debate how to handle terrorism in these days of political correctness, I want to propose that it doesn't matter how small the number of bad guys is, we just need to stop them before they get us.


My brilliant wife, Mrs. Ugly Naked Guy, observed that if it was a very tiny minority of Muslims, then we have to work all the harder, with even more scrutiny to thwart them. Using the needle-in-the-haystack example, Mrs. UGN said that when what you are looking for is really rare, you have to expend exceptionable effort to make sure you are successful.


She said that you would have to sit on that haystack until you find what you are looking for.

We sensitive Americans are taking the opposite approach: we ignore the haystack and even pretend that it would be foolish to look in the haystack.


Even if we happen to get stuck with the needle, we still manage to quickly go back to ignoring that there is something worth looking for in the haystack!

Happy 4th!

As we celebrate the impossible miracle that is the United States of America, here is something to ponder, courtesy of my sister-in-law who forwarded it to me:

1. COWS, 2. THE CONSTITUTION, and 3. THE TEN COMMANDMENTS

COWS- Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington? Not only that, but they have the ability to track that cows calves too.

So if we can do that, how is it that nobody can locate the 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country? Maybe we should give them all a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION-They keep talking about drafting a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore. (Ouch!)

TEN COMMANDMENTS-The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse.....You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians--- it creates a hostile work environment.

Sealing their own Fate

Apparently New British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has a death wish for his country.

In a stunning example of how not to deal with terrorism, Brown has banned government officials from using the word Muslim in connection with talk of their current terrorism crisis.

That's like not using the word water when dealing with a flood, or the word idiot when talking about Michael Moore.

According to the Daily Express, he wants to improve relations with the Muslim community. Outstanding! I hear that's what they want too: when all non-Muslims are blown to bits, relations will be great!

The article goes on to say that Brown wants to avoid offending Muslims and that he also wants to discontinue use of the term "war on terror".

What the incredibly dense Mr. Brown fails to understand is England's very existence is offensive to some Muslims.

I would gloat that we are much smarter in America, but of course it is not true.

What a Dumb Law!

After church today we stopped by a roadside vegetable stand to get some corn and cherries. My daughter wanted to know if we could buy her something to drink, but we were told that county regulations forbid the business from selling cold drinks.

You will never guess in a million years why they can't sell a can of cola. Go ahead, try. Give up?

drum roll
drum roll
drum roll
drum roll
drum roll

Ready to hear the answer?

dramatic pause (though I was going to say drum roll, huh?)

They are forbidden to sell a can of coke or a bottle of water because their business doesn't have a bathroom.

Who thinks this stuff up?

Where's Waldo?

It seems that the British authorities are about as good as we are at giving clear, actionable directives, because everything I hear in the wake of three car bombs is either contradictory or mysteriously vague.

Do they want to catch anybody?

For instance, people are told to be vigilant, but not to be vigilantes.

My 11-year-old daughter heard me thinking aloud about what specifically being "vigilant" might mean, and she said "maybe they want people to be extra sure that they wash their hands well."

Or maybe it means to make sure you are wearing clean underwear with your name written inside just in case one of those bombs does go off--Mum's advice is so timeless.

British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith also said citizens should "report anything suspicious" and "be alert at all times" because the threat they are facing is "most severe".

Does a running man on fire at the airport screaming "Allah" count as suspicious? Is that something we should call in?

What about before we get to that point? What are the early warning signs that an SUV driver is going to ram a highly-crowded public area and turn himself into a fireball? Could you give us a few more clues?

I guess at this point, at least we know to be suspicious of cars. What do they want, panic or help in finding the people responsible?

Why haven't they broadcast that "crystal clear" image of the one suspect all over the country? People could be looking for that guy. That's something they could do vigilantly.

Where's Waldo? How the heck do I know; what's he look like?

Business as usual

It never ceases to amaze me how inefficient, ineffective, and inept public schools are.

So I needed the money to pay for my parent's 50th wedding anniversary bash and I signed up to teach summer school.

Today I was ready to quit.

Even though I was never a very good Boy Scout, I do live by their motto of "Be Prepared." If I so much as show a video clip for a class, I make sure that everything is set up and ready to go so precious time is not wasted.

You would think that something as important as a new computer-based summer school curriculum would be given great care and preparation. Yeah, right.

I worked over the weekend and came in earlier than the administrators to ensure that everything was ready for a smooth start.

I wish the school district cared as much. Not only was the software not loaded yet onto the computers they would be using, but once it was loaded, it didn't work.

Yep, I had to wing it for three hours; a lot of good being prepared did.

So Day Two would be better, right? In a word, no. We were still unable to use the curriculum and I have severe doubts that I ever will.

This is going to be a long three weeks.

Day Three update: I guess I am an optimist because I actually thought it would work today after talking to our district technical experts who would be working feverishly on the system.

Wrong. No improvement whatsoever. But here is the most amazing thing: the highly paid district mucky muck in charge of summer school came in to check this morning and she said, "I might have to call the company's representative to see what can be done about this."

MIGHT? You mean the vendor rep wasn't called the first day! How is this possible!

Indoctrination, Hollywood style

I just witnessed the most obvious attempt at brainwashing I have ever seen out of Hollywood.

In tonight's episode of "Law and Order", the anti-American bias was none too subtle; it was heavy-handed, stunning in its obscenity, sickening in its hatred of America.

Did I mention that its portrayals were wildly inaccurate too? As I count the ways, I will tell you what they showed, and why it is so ridiculous:

1. An angry band of Orthodox Jews are attacking an illegal alien with a chain saw as revenge "for taking our jobs" and for accidentally running over a Jewish mother with a baby in a stroller.

Hollywood can make up some pretty unbelievable stuff, huh? Jews who are upset that Mexicans are taking their jobs? Yeah, I hear that a lot of illegals are becoming bankers and lawyers? I know, I know, that's a stereotype, but a heck of a lot more plausible than what the show suggested.

2. When detectives approach the Mexican day laborers for questioning, they all run because they are illegal and don't want to be caught standing on a street corner looking for work.

Mexicans running away because they are worried about being illegal? I wish. They make it like the police actually care that they're illegal. Most departments aren't even allowed to ask a person about his immigration status. Sheesh.

3. When a Muslim woman is found murdered and "4 9/11" is scrawled in blood near her body, the detectives remark, "Fourth hate crime against Muslims this month." The Muslim family of the murdered girl used to have a nice restaurant, "but after 9/11 nobody came anymore" and they had to shut the door. Now they are poor and destitute.

Maybe, maybe there were some attacks against Muslims in the immediate aftermath of 9/11, but years later? This is pure fiction, of course, but fiction that NBC wants us to think is true because in their twisted world, it is Americans who are dangerous aggressors in an otherwise peaceful world.

Well, I promise you there was more, I just need to wrap this up. The entire show was so utterly slanted that I wonder whether it was meant as a farce, but that is giving Hollywood way too much credit.

One of the WORST things you can do

It's amazing what passes for scandalous these days.

Today was the last day of school and a bunch of teachers went to the local Red Robin to unwind and celebrate. We deserve it.

During a meal that brought to light more than a few vices (drinking, foul language, inappropriate sexual comments--you know, things we hope our students never do), there was one thing that was clearly unacceptable to that enlightened group.

Somebody smoked a cigarette.

Oh, the humanity! (I can't believe my computer didn't crash just because I wrote the word!)

That's right, when Kelley and Anea walked off together to light up, there were voices of outrage and a chorus of disgust. Somebody yelled, "Let's shame them" as if it was time for some sort of intervention (and he wasn't joking).

You would have thought they had admitted to being child molesters. It is amazing to me that all sorts of behavior is tolerated in our society--even celebrated--but let someone smoke and all of a sudden people forget that they love to say, "Judge not, lest ye be judged."

It's like the unpardonable sin! Why, they're killing us all and contributing to global warming all at the same time. This is no time to take lightly the foibles of man. This is war!

I am not a smoking advocate. I have never smoked and I hate the smell like most of us do. But it never fails to amaze me how well the anti-smoking lobby has turned so many otherwise tolerant people into a bunch of church ladies.

Sometimes an Ugly Naked Guy has got to wonder...

Learning to get off on a technicality

More end-of-the-year theatrics by parents looking to absolve their offspring of the consequences of their bad behavior...

A particularly nasty student of mine--we'll call him Donald--is learning some skills that might prove useful later in life when avoiding, say, a prison term or other unwanted consequences.

With a huge assist from his mother--it's always the mothers--he managed to whine his way back into the end-of-year privileges he lost because he had two unsatisfactories for citizenship.

It turns out that one of the teachers who had to deal with his disrespect this year neglected to fill out the proper paperwork. Mom pounced on this technicality and the administration melted in the heat of her scorn.

Once again a toxic parent protects a child from the consequences of his actions and another real learning opportunity goes down the drain.

Sigh.

Silly Hippies!

I just had to laugh as I read this L.A. Times article about how things have changed at ground zero for the counterculture movement of The Sixties, San Francisco's Haight-Ashbury.

Actually, things haven't changed that much at all, but the article mentions the disgust that old-time flower children have for what is going on there today.

Arthur Evans has lived at Haight-Ashbury for 34 years, but he is not happy with the current group of "gutter punks" that he sees roaming the streets.

"I used to be a hippie. I wore beads and grew my hair long," he said. "But my generation had something these kids do not: a standard of civilized behavior."

Hah! He doesn't get it! He is reaping exactly what he has sown! You don't tell people to "tune in, turn on, and drop out" and expect the slide down the slippery slope to stop at long hair and colorful clothing.

Evans' very own "standard of civilized behavior" was decidedly uncivilized in the 60's.

What people in this article are complaining about is the exact byproduct that we expect: out of disorder you get more disorder.

Instead of criticizing, Mr. Evans should do as Dr. Frankenstein before him: look down upon his creation and bellow, "What have I done?!"

As much as we hate them, rules exist for a purpose. Actions have consequences. Right and wrong used to have a meaning; you can't marginalize those meanings and expect things to run well any more than you could plant crabgrass and expect to gain a rosebush.

Silly hippies. They got exactly what they bargained for while infecting the rest of society with the same plague!

Now that is not something that makes me laugh.

Not Inappropriate??????

Somebody is out of their mind and I don't think it is me.

Has our society become so base that the once intolerable has not only become tolerable, but no one even understands why anyone would object?

I gave my eighth-graders an assignment where they were to find a poem and read it in front of the class. The first instance of cluelessness occurred when I was explaining the task and a student asked:

"Can we choose a poem that is inappropriate?"

Just ponder that question for a moment.

This would be one reason why I never tell people that there is no such thing as a dumb question.

I think my response was something like, "Exactly which part of inappropriate do you not understand?"

That was a few days ago. Today was the day when the reading would be done. Get a load of the poem that I pulled the plug on (and my advanced class didn't understand why):

My First Time

The sky was dark,
The moon was high,
All alone, just her and I.

Her hair so soft,
Her eyes so blue,
I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft,
Her legs so fine,
I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn’t know how,
But I tried my best,
I placed my hands on her soft sweet breast.

I remember my fear,
My fast beating heart,
But slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it,
I felt no shame,
All at once the white stuff came.

At last I finished,
It’s all over now,
my first time to milk a cow!

When I shut it down, all of my students were laughing and telling me, "It's about a cow, it's about a cow; it's not what you think!"

How is it that they didn't understand that it doesn't matter what it ends up being about? And don't they know that cows don't have blue eyes?

But wait, the most disturbing thing is that I later found out the math teacher loved it and read it to his own class of 13-year-olds!

Do you ever get the feeling that you are the only sane person left on earth?

Diversity: gotta love it

So my local school district is looking to hire a new superintendent and the local paper has an the rundown on the fantastic possibilities that await as the interview process begins.

I read the article anxiously to see what marvelous qualities they must possess. Maybe they have experienced success turning around under-performing districts; maybe they have some innovative ideas to boost student achievement; maybe they are financial wizards with plans to better allocate taxpayer money.

Maybe not.

It turns out that the main thing the newspaper seemed to be touting was that half of the candidates "represent minority ethnic groups" and "one woman was chosen."

How exciting.

No mention of accomplishments, no trumpeting of their superior abilities, no glowing testimonials of effective leadership.

Imagine if your favorite sports team operated on such a silly system (fake quote coming):

"The Yankees announced today that they are looking for the pieces to build their next championship team. Owner George Steinbrenner has ordered GM Brian Cashman to pull out all the stops to find a Pacific Islander and perhaps a Norwegian or two in order to improve team chemistry."

We live in a crazy, crazy world.